Every 2016 film I watched in 2016 from my least favourite to my favourite, 180-171

180 – A Bigger Splash

Mostly just some people, doing stuff.

179 – Criminal

Sludge

178 – Dirty Grandpa

OK, I admit it, I only watched this because it made Mark Kermode angry and that intrigued me. He’s right of course, in saying this is a very bad film indeed, but I couldn’t get cross with it in the same way. There is something undeniably hypnotic about DeNiro’s performance. Everything his character says is so far removed from funny that his performance becomes reminiscent of those albums musicians release to fulfil contractual obligations. Each punchline is a Metal Machine Music in miniature, as unknowable as it is unlikable. You kind of have to respect that, even while you are turning the film off as quickly as is humanly possible.

177 – The Fifth Wave

Aliens invade earth in the most infuriatingly complicated and bureaucratic way possible.

176 – The Dwarvenaut

Not bad, I don’t think, but easily the most forgettable movie of 2016. I remember so little about it. Somebody wears a hat at some point, I think. Something about bricks? No. Sorry. I’ve got nothing.

175 – Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies is the perfect title. Unfortunately, it is so good that it doesn’t actually need a story to back it up. You’ve told the joke, all a story can do is retell it. We didn’t need a novel and we didn’t need a film. We’ll always have the title.

174 – Lights Out

film-countdown-3

A monster that only appears when the light goes out. You know, like all monsters.

173 – Love and Friendship

Lady Susan Vernon is trying to arrange a marriage between her daughter and somebody her daughter doesn’t want to marry. From what I can tell, this is very funny because marriage is a sexless institution and in no way would her daughter be, for want of a more hilarious word, raped by this man on a regular basis. Other funny things that happen are when someone hasn’t seen peas before and when people say funny things like, “facts are horrid things”, which I’m sure we can agree is very funny and in no way the sort of thing you might find on a fridge magnet or inside a Moonpig greetings card. Funny film. Funny funny film.

This is the only film I have seen at the cinema where I have exchanged looks of horror and understanding with other people watching the film. We were strangers united in our hatred of this film. We looked deep within each other’s souls and found the message, ‘I know. It’s ok. I know.’ We left the cinema knowing it was going to be ok. We weren’t alone.

But we were alone. Everyone else on earth loves this film.

172 – The Infiltrator

TLDF

171 – Our Kind of Traitor

There comes a point in every John Le CarrĂ© story I have ever read or watched where I just stop buying into it all. In 2016 it happened with The Night Watchman and it also happened with this. I’m sure the world is full of people who would single-handedly try to take on international crime lords out of some incredible sense of duty to Queen and country but I haven’t met any, I don’t think. Maybe you would. I wouldn’t. I’m probably not a good enough patriot. I don’t even like Bake Off that much. Soz.