Every 2016 film I watched in 2016 from my least favourite to my favourite, 190-181

190 – Maggie’s Plan

Poor Maggie. Only having a part time job at a university means she is down to her last five hundred hugely expensive and exquisitely coordinated outfits and is forced to live in the (pretty awesome) house of a poet. Poor poor Maggie. Then Maggie has a plan. The plan is zany and wacky in all the unbearable ways Greta Gerwig films so often are.

189 – Anomalisa

Smells like a film about the universal anxiety of existence but tastes like a film about how, you know, it is such a total drag being civil to people you don’t want to sleep with. Unsurprisingly, in interviews with Lauren Laverne, and then Mark Kermode and Simon Mayo, Charlie Kaufman and Duke Johnson acted like the sort of dickheads who find it a total drag being civil to people. Maybe they just had jet lag. Maybe. Their film still sucks though.

188 – The Shallows

It’s only 87 minutes long but it manages to find the time for a casual-racism-against-Mexicans ‘bit’ and repeated scenes of Blake Lively undressing in a weird lapdancer-taking-off-a-wetsuit kind of way. This is the shark film Richard Hammond would make, if Richard Hammond made shark films.

187 – Blood Father

Missing the point of what it means to be a father in such a cack-handed way that it is almost charming, this implausible man-and-daughter against the world punchathon stars Mel Gibson, making his comeback as a poor man’s Chuck Norris, but it will probably be most remembered as being William H Macy’s lowest ebb.

186 – Capture the Flag

Utter dog shit.

185 – Jack Reacher

Tom Cruise plays a man who is good at hitting people. Nothing happens.

184 – Passengers

Deeply wrong on many levels, Passengers is a heartfelt advocacy of stalking with a lead so unrepentant in his behaviour that even in what he thinks are his last moments the most romantic thing he can think of saying to the woman he stalked is an example of how he is still stalking her. Toxic masculinity in space, the movie. So very very troubling. (The sets are fabulous though, referencing everything from Logan’s Run to The Shining. They don’t make up for the stalking, clearly, but credit where it’s due and all that.)

183 – Mascots


Not funny in any way. Perhaps the least funny thing I have ever seen. 

182 – Sausage Party

A tedious satire of religion that isn’t nearly as funny or clever or outrageous as it thinks it is. The cinematic equivalent of being stuck in a kitchen at a party with a first-year philosophy student with a spliff in his hand, starting sentences with, “If you really think about it…” for ninety minutes.

181 – Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children

Tim Burton visuals try to disguise a disturbingly inappropriate love story. The hero has to get significantly older than the heroine before they can be together. So very creepy.