Every 2016 film I watched in 2016 from my least favourite to my favourite, 201-191

201 – Nocturnal Animals

I sat in a cinema for two hours waiting for the twist or the reveal that would turn this toxic piece of shit into satire or reflection but it never came. It just straight up hates women. There is no escape from the bile. Three plot threads compete to be the most hateful and insipid and awful and somehow they all win. I hate this film. Hate it hate it hate it. I so hate it dudes. Totes hate. The tagline should be, “Twenty years ago she fell out of love with him. Today he will have his revenge.” It leaves a bad taste in your brain. It is less a film than a tantrum. A vision of the world so ugly that even in 2016 its misogyny managed to shine brightly, like a massive cock lighthouse, standing proud and stupid above everything else. It will probably be nominated for an Oscar. God help us all.

200 – Point Break

An impressively dull film. Every second of it is boring. How do you make Delroy Lindo boring? It shouldn’t be possible, should it? Just his face is interesting. Just his face. And yet they managed it. You have to begrudgingly respect that, even while it makes you so very very bored and angry.

199 – Gary Numan: Android in La La Land

A bloke moves house. A once interesting musician turns everything up to 11. A feature length A Place in the Sun: Home or Away, but somehow worse.

198 – Norm of the North

Hugely unlovable.

197 – Zoolander 2

They had fifteen years to write a script. Fifteen years. If they had only spent one minute a year on sketching something out they would have produced a film 80% less bollocks. A timely reminder of the importance of prudent time management.

196 – War on Everyone

Everyone. Even the audience.

195 – A Family AFFAIR

A documentary about a family with a dark secret. Presumably at some point they do reveal it, but not before you stop caring. I still don’t know what the secret was. Probably something dark.

194 – Hardcore Henry

A film shot like a first-person shooter video game. Exactly as good as that sounds. Tim Roth is in it briefly, even though he didn’t need to be.

193 – London has Fallen


For the first twenty minutes or so, London has Fallen is (unintentionally) hilarious. Hundreds of grown men running in circles trying to portray the terror of a terrorist attack but actually resembling eight-year-olds playing soldiers, uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-ing their stick machine guns and neeeeeeeeeeeeeeeowBOOM-ing their socks-in-a-bundle grenades. Then Gerard Butler brings the racism in a shocking and disturbing way and the smile is wiped off your face. Sooner or later you’ll be rooting for the terrorists. Or turning it off.

192 – Grimsby

Not a classic.

191 – The Do-Over

A film so bad it even makes you feel sorry for Adam Sandler for having to be in it, even though he wanted to be in it, and made loads of money from being in it. It’s like watching a drunk shit himself: you know he has nobody but himself to blame, and you are having a really terrible time, but you still feel sympathy for the dumb bastard.