Every 2016 film I watched in 2016 from my least favourite to my favourite, 170-161

170 – Dad’s Army

Why does this film exist? Who wanted it? I’m genuinely interested. Every single defence of this film I have seen is, in a nutshell, “we thought this would be awful but actually it wasn’t that bad, not really”. A heady mix of misguided nostalgia and low expectations being more or less met – the definitive film of 2016.

169 – Boulevard

Bland.

168 – Couple in a Hole

Hard work.

167 – Becoming Zlatan

Surprisingly dull documentary about an interesting person.

166 – Ice Sharks

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Guff.

165 – Ballerina

Oh, Jesus, don’t get me started on this film. Even if you ignore the bits where people are dressed like modern teenagers in a film set during the construction of the Eiffel Tower (1887-1889), and the fact that the hero spends the whole film wanting to dance The Nutcracker (which, incidentally, premièred in 1892) and yet when she does the music playing is not The Nutcracker but something by (I think) Carly Rae Jepsen… Even if you ignore that, and the strange mix of modern and old-fashioned hair, and the bit where the children go to a pub… If you ignore it all, you STILL get a film which so muddles the simple issue of consent that it manages in its final moments to make a film that is supposed to be about a girl achieving her dreams a cinematic celebration of toxic masculinity instead.

Victor, the least appealing male lead since Anthony Perkins in Psycho, loves Félicie but his love is not returned. Halfway through the film (in the pub, for what it is worth) while Félicie is dancing, he tells someone that she is his girlfriend. This is a lie, the audience knows it is a lie, the audience knows he is not being cool here. Then, at the end of the film, when Félicie dances The Nutcracker he tells someone that she is his girlfriend. This is a happy ending. EXCEPT IT ISN’T BECAUSE AT NO TIME BETWEEN HIS TWO STATEMENTS HAS FÉLICIE INDICATED THAT SHE WANTS TO BE HIS GIRLFRIEND. HE IS MASSIVELY OVERREADING A DECLARATION OF FRIENDSHIP AND A PLATONIC KISS ON THE CHEEK. HE IS WORSE THE SECOND TIME THAN THE FIRST. JESUS.

Anyway…

164 – Special Correspondents

America Ferrera really really needs to fire her agent. Eric Bana too. Whoever is commissioning Netflix Original movies needs a talking to too. Thinking about it, I saw that True Memoirs of an International Assassin thing as well this year to but it isn’t on the countdown because I forgot I watched it while I was watching it and I’m not starting again now so sod it.

163 – The Secret Life of Pets

This is a film for people who love their pets, and talk about their pets as if their pets were people, and “actually, when it comes down to it think that animals are much nicer than people” despite the fact that animals are far more likely to shit on pavements and/or eat their own children than humans are, statistically speaking.

162 – Jason Bourne

RUNNING DOWN A CORRIDOR THEN ANOTHER CORRIDOR THEN ANOTHER CORRIDOR ARARARARARRR BANG BANG BANG BANG CORRIDOR CORRIDOR CORRIDOR I’M IN A CAR NOW VRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRROOM CORRIDOR NOW BANG BANG

161 – Rock the Kasbah

A bad idea executed badly.

2 thoughts on “Every 2016 film I watched in 2016 from my least favourite to my favourite, 170-161

  1. Why do you do this to yourself?
    I liked Love and Ffriendship but it annoyed me that they took the plot of one Austen and the title from another.
    Dad’s Army existed thanks to the Spirit of Brexit which holds that everything about Britain can be understood and appreciated from the words ‘Don’t tell him Pike’. And perhaps ‘Allo ‘Allo, which is no doubt being made into a 9 hour cinematic trilogy right now.

  2. I quite like the idea of an ‘Allo ‘Allo trilogy. You could do an origin story (‘Allo), a retread of the series (‘Allo ‘Allo), and finish it off with a police procedural (‘Allo ‘Allo ‘Allo).


    I’ll get my coat.

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