As hooks go, “Frankenstein is still alive, two hundred years after his creation,” is actually pretty good. Yes, the book is set in the 18th Century, not 1818, and yes, the film would require a writer and director with a particular lightness of touch if you were going to avoid accidentally remaking California Man but you can see the potential. Body horror, the cruelty of ageing, the development of Frankenstein’s emotional and intellectual facilities over two centuries, there is so much you could do with that idea.
Or, you could do a film where angels and demons fight for no real reason beyond, meh, that’s probably what they’d do, and somebody called Frankenstein (but who is essentially just Aaron Eckhart in a big coat) waves a couple of pointy broom sticks around until everyone falls over.
You could do that one in 3D. You could make the coat look even bigger.
Yeah, they did that one. Fighty fighty. Even the California Man scenario would have been better than what they did. Even if somebody had tracked down Pauly Shore. Yeah. I said it.
So… thanks to the handy exposition as dialogue, I can tell you that in I, Frankenstein, ordinary humans don’t know about the endless war between angels and demons. Or about gargoyles, and how they really work (gargoyles are really angels). I got the impression the film was set in a different version of reality though, so I’m not sure how much it matters. I think we are talking about a fictional world filled with fictional people (none of whom we actually meet bar the two who turn out to be working for demons) who don’t know that creatures they thought were fictional weren’t fictional (in that world, which is of course, fictional). Or, maybe the amalgam city was supposed to be in our world. It did have Bill Nighy being evil by extennnndinng some of his worrrrds and that does happen quite a lot in our version of reality, so maybe it was our world. Yeah. Yeah? I got confused. Maybe I don’t know half of the truth about gargoyles. Maybe I’m just LIVING A LIE ABOUT GARGOYLES MAN!
Anyway, the gargoyles/angels are losing the war. You do wonder why God doesn’t just make more angels if he is running out of them but in fairness, this isn’t a film that is overly concerned with the accurate portrayal of religious tradition. You also wonder why, if the gargoyles/angels are dying out there seems to be so many more of them as the film progresses. Again, I’m not sure it matters. The film progresses. Frankenstein still has his broom sticks and now he has a girlfriend as well. At the end of the film he says, “I, Frankenstein” in a very silly way. Yes, he actually says I, Frankenstein.
Apparently there was a plan to tie this film in with the Underworld movies despite Bill Nighy PLAYING A DIFFERENT CHARACTER IN THE UNDERWORLD MOVIES albeit IN EXACTLY THE SAME WAY AS HE PLAYS HIS CHARACTER IN THIS MOVIE which would be fine, you could claim it was the same person in disguise or something EXCEPT HE GOT HIS HEAD CUT IN HALF IN THE UNDERWORLD MOVIE SO, you know, that probably wouldn’t work.
Anyway, they didn’t do it.
Again, none of this matters very much.
I had this really cool plan to review blu-rays that I bought at Poundland but I don’t know now. The flippant way in which I have described I, Frankenstein disguises how badly I thought it sucked and how much I hated watching it. It sucked a lot and I hated watching it so, so much, thank you for asking. I, Frankenstein is the pits.
Each blu-ray gets a score: the amount of money I can sell the blu-ray for in pence (up to a maximum of a pound) divided by its ‘suckiness score. The suckiness scale is as follows: 1 = amazing, 2 = good enough to keep, 3 = not good to keep, 4 = very bad, 5 = really really awful, 6 = unfogivably bollocks, 7 = as bad as I, Frankenstein, 8 = worse than I, Frankenstein.
So, in this case 31 divided by 7 which equals 4.43 out of a possible 100.
OK, it’s week one, we can skip this for now.