There are more dog turds on the pavements of Littleborough than there are stars in the sky. From above, our streets and pathways must look like so many ice creams, covered in chocolate sprinkles. In places you can’t even see the pavement. Bits of pavement that you think might be pavement turn out just to be drier dog shit, desiccated by the sun until it takes on a greyer, more pavementy hue. You walk on that. What choice do you have?
It never used to be like this. There were always dog shit hot spots, sure, but never this. It’s everywhere. It’s ubiquitous. Omnipresent. A dog shit blanket has descended upon us.
And I blame Brexit.
Sorry, but I do. I blame the Daily Mail and their endless tirade against being a bit nice to people too, but mostly Brexit. Brexit gave people who spend their lives wilfully misunderstanding what ‘charity begins at home’ means a victory flag they could staple all their personal bugbears on to. Things like recycling their rubbish, and having to occasionally hear people speak another language, and parents with babies in prams being able to park slightly closer to the supermarket than them, and wind turbines, and women having opinions.
Some of these whinges will be a part of our future. It will probably only be months before Labour politicians want voters to know that they understand their ‘legitimate concerns’ about women having opinions. But first, there will be dog shit. Lots and lots of dog shit.
Not picking up your dog’s shit is sticking two fingers up to those ‘experts’ who think that pavements not covered in dog shit are nicer than pavements covered in dog shit. It’s showing people who do pick up their dog’s shit (the liberal elite) that they are yesterdays news. Yesterdays fake news. It’s telling them that if they don’t like wading through dog shit, they should stay at home. It’s saying, “You lost. Get over it or step over it.”
The dog shit is here to stay. This is who we are now.
Though that is just like, my opinion, man. I am no expert. Maybe it is just Littleborough. So, in the interests of science, let’s do a poll. If more than three people vote I’ll send the results to The Queen or some science person or something.