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Month: October 2018

1. Bing

I don’t think it gets mentioned enough that CBeebies not only provide a lot of positive role models for children but also a host of parent figures who are patient, kind, and loving. Many of you who are familiar with children’s tv may be surprised that Topsy and Tim didn’t make my list, but while I wouldn’t ever binge watch a series of it given the choice of almost anything else, I respect its attempt to portray a relatively normal family (albeit a painfully middle class one) just puttering along.… Read more 1. Bing

2. Top Wing

Less than a year old and already one of the most consistently awful things on television, Top Wing is a phenomenon. At first glance it appears to be little more than a scene-for-scene remake of Paw Patrol but with birds instead of dogs, but Top Wing also incorporates aspects of Octonauts, Captain Jake and the Neverland Pirates, Blaze and the Monster Machines, and half a dozen other worst-in-show kids tv efforts. It’s the pits. It’s a toy advert come to life (and not in a ‘cute inanimate object becomes sentient’… Read more 2. Top Wing

3. Peter Rabbit

Despite it’s best efforts, despite taking out the female rabbit introduced in this series and bringing in James Corden, this year’s film version of Peter Rabbit, unwatchable shite that it was, couldn’t hold a candle to the sheer bloody dreadfulness of this tv version.¬†Sometimes you have to give credit where it is due: Nobody will ever make a version of Peter Rabbit as bad as this one. It is just so unlikable. Incredibly so. James Corden’s version of Peter is a wanker but at least he owns his shit. At… Read more 3. Peter Rabbit

4. Paw Patrol

Paw Patrol! Paw Patrol! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Where to start? Everyone hates Paw Patrol. There are so many reasons, so much to despise. It is so lazy, so cheaply put together. The animation is crap. The music, a sort of shit sub-ska dirge, presumably written in an afternoon by the bass player of Smashmouth, is crap. The writing, both in terms of dialogue and basic plotting, is crap. There is a deep vein of¬† casual anti-French sentiment running through the programme that is, obviously, crap. But… Read more 4. Paw Patrol

5. Baby Jake

Baby Jake opens with a shot of a windmill and introduces the ten children and parents in Baby Jakes family, almost none of whom are in any of the episodes. Jake and Isaac, that’s all you get in the actual episodes. The rest only exist to pad out the eleven minute run time. One minute down, ten to go. Instead of a family drama you get this: “Wamma babba wib wob, That’s our song Chubba hibble lib lob Sing along Rubba Rudda Runna Flip flop chip Jabba jibboo ribble Wug… Read more 5. Baby Jake

6. Blaze and the Monster Machines

Oh my. So… in a world populated by Monster Machines, a group of Monster Machines do… adventures… I think. It’s hard to describe. Blaze and the Monster Machines has a narrative that I imagine would be almost impossible to write without first mainlining crack. They might be playing monster machine football when an eagle monster machine steals their ball one moment, then dodging dinosaur monster machines in a monster machine volcano the next. Then, out of nowhere, one of them will tell the audience that they can escape because of… Read more 6. Blaze and the Monster Machines

7. Mickey and The Roadster Racers

You have to hand it to Disney, despite now owning almost all of the world’s most popular entertainment franchises they still persevere in trying to make Mickey Mouse lovable. It’s that sort of dedication that got them where they are today but it’s a futile effort. Mickey, Minnie, Donald and Daisy Duck, Pluto and Goofy are all unlikable creatures. Unfunny, lacking style or character, with annoying voices, and brought to life via unremarkable animation. You can argue that they are iconic until you are blue in the face but no… Read more 7. Mickey and The Roadster Racers

8. My Pet and Me

OK, first off, I have no problem with the presenters of My Pet and Me. Or the programme really. My argument is larger, more fundamental, and it is with Cbeebies almost non-stop pro-pet propaganda. My Pet and Me, Meet the Pups, Meet the Kittens, Pet week, Topsy and Tim’s rabbit, Waffle the Wonder Dog, Pet Week, and on and on. And yes, the Cbeebies website does have a page where they tell you five things to think about before you decide to get a pet, but none of those five… Read more 8. My Pet and Me