9. Octonauts

What is Captain Barnacle’s problem? God that polar bear is a supercilious little jobsworth. “Peso, sound the octo alarm.” Mate, you’re all in the same room. Just get in a submarine and rescue the sea snake or whatever. You’re only sounding the alarm for yourself.

Imagine working for that guy. Jeez.

Anyway, my main problem with Octonauts is that they give each new creature they meet a regional accent and they decided to give the West Midlands accent to sea slugs. Not whales or sunfish or dolphins or something cool. Sea slugs. Fuck me, guys. We live in a post-Peaky Blinders world now. You can’t just make us the comedy dickheads any more. It’s not the 90s. That “we want to be together” shit doesn’t wash anymore. Sea slugs. Fuck you, man. Fuck you.

Kwazi is a wanker too. Seriously. Go fuck yourself. Octotwats.