4. Paw Patrol

Paw Patrol! Paw Patrol! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

Where to start?

Everyone hates Paw Patrol. There are so many reasons, so much to despise. It is so lazy, so cheaply put together. The animation is crap. The music, a sort of shit sub-ska dirge, presumably written in an afternoon by the bass player of Smashmouth, is crap. The writing, both in terms of dialogue and basic plotting, is crap. There is a deep vein of  casual anti-French sentiment running through the programme that is, obviously, crap.

But worse than any of this is the voicework. I used to think it was read by a computer but apparently those lines, devoid of all human emotion, are read by human beings. Clearly, the actors are just given a long list of lines to say. They are not reading a script because they are so obviously unaware of the other half of the conversation they are voicing it is painful. Every line, whether it is an exclamation or some cliché passed off as a zinger, is read with the same dead-eyed soulless monotony. Even the laughter is read out as if by some alien, unaware of the sound of human laughter. Ha ha HA ha. Ha ha HA ha.

And the more you watch the more you realise how far they have taken this commitment to the destruction of portraying anything except basic information through dialogue. You notice that every time a pup says their catchphrase it is identical. They only recorded it once. They are constructing dialogue the same way rail companies construct platform announcements. The train. Now approaching. Platform. Four. Is the. Seven. Forty. Seven. Train to. Rubble on the double.

Because it doesn’t matter. The makers of Paw Patrol didn’t make it to entertain or to educate. They made it to sell product. Anything spent on the actual programme is just money from the bottom line. Scripts cost money. Actors cost money. Non-racist portrayals of the French cost money. Savings need to be made if we are going to keep the shareholders happy. Profit is king.

Very little sucks the joy out of a room like Paw Patrol. By my estimation only three television programmes are capable. Come back next week and I will reveal the worst of the worst.