Should we be stockpiling food?

Make two lists. One of all the wild animals you would be prepared to kill and another of all the wild animals you are prepared to eat. Unless a lot of the same animals are popping up on both your lists, you might want to start thinking, tentatively, about starting a stockpile of food, you know, just in case the people that have been steering us out of the EU don’t suddenly become competent at their jobs. I mean, they might. They might discover facts at the eleventh hour. But don’t bank on it, yeah?

Me, I won’t even kill spiders. If the shops run out of food I’m totally bollocksed. I’m putting a couple of extra packets of pasta in the back of the cupboard. Better safe than hungry.

I am aware that stockpiling food isn’t an option available to everyone. If you are reliant on food banks, or only just managing to cope without them, then worrying about whether there will be olive oil in the shops next April isn’t a priority. Also, if you do earn a decent wage, chances are you will already have a month’s worth of food in your cupboards without really thinking about it. Three sorts of rice, a selection of pasta shapes, flour, sugar, the lot.

But if we do crash out of the EU, and there are temporary food shortages, having a few extra tins of tomatoes and a spare packet of salt may prove quite useful. And hey, if we do manage to strike some sort of perfect deal, or even just call the whole thing off and remain, and you are left with eighteen packets of linguine you don’t want after all, you can always donate them all to a food bank, can’t you? It’s win-win.

I know I’m being a tad melodramatic talking about food shortages. What are the chances we will crash out without a deal? They shouldn’t be very high, should they? But, you know…

The logical next stage if/when parliament reject May’s deal is a second referendum. If there is no majority in parliament for any type of Brexit (which there isn’t) and the government doesn’t fancy the idea of just watching as the clock ticks down to March and then crashing out of the EU, then letting the public decide what to do gets you out of a tight spot. The only thing really standing in the way of a second referendum (if we don’t count ‘hurting the feelings of the bellend who runs Wetherspoons’, which I don’t think we should) is Theresa May’s pride, so…

…so that’s not happening, it it? Theresa May is one proud, stubborn, human being. I have no doubt that she would rather burn the whole country to the ground than admit she was wrong about anything. She will probably wait about six weeks and then try to pass exactly the same deal through parliament (probably with a new name, possibly in a different font or something, maybe Bodoni). And when that doesn’t pass either…

Yeah. If you have no hankering to find out what gull tastes like, maybe buy a couple of cans of baked beans and a big bag of rice. Just to tide you over until the chlorinated chicken starts flooding in.

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