The worst of all socks are odd socks. Don’t get me wrong, if poverty has forced you to wear odd socks you are blameless and innocent and pure. I’m talking about people who think odd socks are quirky or, even worse, the people who say, “Oh, I just grab the first two socks in the drawer and put them on.” Dude… fuuuuuuuu-uuuuuu-uuuuuuuu-uuuuuuuuuuck you. The sock is the axle from which the wheel of a look spins. Socks aren’t just something to stop your shoes rubbing your feet. They are the foot covering umami that raises the dish of clothes to the next level. And you know that, don’t you, you unforgivable fake modest what-this-old-thing monster. Wearing odd socks is trying to hard. If odd socks were a festival accessory they would be an acoustic guitar. If odd socks were a band they would be a rubbish band, with a stupid guitarist.
Socks with cartoon characters and/or slogans on them
If you wear socks with a picture of a pint of beer and a slogan like ‘Beer time!’, or Keep Calm and Carry On socks, or Suicide Squad socks then, I’m sorry, you should probably be fed to leopards.
Socks with toes in them that look like gloves for your feet
These knock me sick. All that stuff between your toes. The idea of it. Ugh. Yuk.
Are you playing tennis at Wimbledon? No? Probably don’t wear white socks then. You know this already.
Socks that have that diamond-y golf pattern on them
Is it called Argyle? That interlocking diamond thing? Yeah. I don’t like it. Knock it off.
Bit boring but ok, fine, not a disaster with a suit or something. We can’t all be Quentin Crisp.
Just normal socks
Normal socks. Just normal fucking socks. Is it too much to ask?
You can have any colour you like. You can have a pattern. They can have spots or bananas or giraffes or pretty much anything you like. But make an effort. Take a bit pride in your appearance. As it says in the bible probably, ‘Socks maketh the foot, so wear something fancy unto the Lord.’