Eggs! Ranked worst to best!

Cloud Eggs

This is one of those fancy new internet ways of cooking eggs. You whisk the whites into soft peaks, form them into a well shape, then bake for a bit, adding the yolk into the dip toward the end. Full disclosure, I’ve never tried them, but I do know they are the worst way of cooking eggs. I’ll tell you why. If I am going to make that much effort doing stuff to eggs there needs to be, at the very least, some sort of cake waiting for me at the end of the process.

Baked Eggs

There is always a gloopy clear bit.

Coddled Eggs

Bit of a faff.

Pickled Eggs

The angry stag do of the egg world, full of piss and vinegar.


You can tell the Omelette has ideas above it’s station by the fact it is the only egg on the list that doesn’t follow the [Cooking method] Eggs nomenclature. I guess Swirled Around A Pan Until Three Fifths Of It Go Solid Eggs doesn’t have the same ring to it as Omelette, but that is all it is. Sorry, France.

Hard Boiled Eggs

Nice on a picnic with a bit of salt. Essential for fancier stuff, egg mayo and devilled eggs and the like.

Soft Boiled Eggs

Like hard boiled eggs, but dippier.

Fried Eggs

An absolute banger of egg cookery and an essential part of a fried breakfast (unless you are vegan, or you don’t like eggs, of course). Cooked well (yolk soft, white a bit crispy on the edges, no gloopy clear bit) it is among the finest of all foods. As I get older though, I am becoming slightly (and only slightly mind you) weary of its inclination to greasiness.

Scrambled Eggs

Hugely underrated, the scrambled egg. You have to do it right though, and people don’t, which is why it sometimes gets forgotten.A scrambled egg has to have a bit of give. If it goes all the way solid you have ruined it. And while we are on the topic, if you put milk in it, you have ruined it and if you put it in a microwave you are an ungodly egg ruining miscreant. Bit of butter in a pan, all melty, whack the eggs in, give it a stir, give it a stir, give it a stir. Carry on stirring until it is almost, but not quite solid. Stick it on some toast. Lovely.

Poached Eggs

Ah, poached eggs. Best of all the eggs.

Poached eggs are one of those things (like risotto) that chefs pretend are much harder to cook than they actually are so they can charge you nine pounds to do it for you. Ignore all that creating a swirly vortex bollocks. It’s a lie. Just gently place some eggs in boiling water and scoop them out again three or four minutes later. As long as you dry them a bit on a piece of kitchen towel before putting them on your toast you will have a meal fit for a king, all perfect yolky and that.