The first trailers for Episode IX are already with us. Are you excited? I am. With the saga drawing to a close, The Rise of Skywalker gives us one last chance to shove our injudicious reckons up the internet. If I’m totally honest, none of the previous eight films have “destroyed my entire childhood” because I am a (relatively) healthily functioning adult who can understand that Star Wars is just films about pretend people set in space but I am hoping to get super wound up about the last one. Why not, eh? When in Rome, eh? I have made myself a To Do list, full of things like ‘get scarily involved with Dengar’s backstory’ and ‘look up what SJW means and learn how to get angry about it’.
First on my list though, is this list, the list you are about to read. It’s a warm up of sorts. I was hoping to watch the first eight films and get totally livid about them. I wanted to be all, ‘the first scene of A New Hope is perfect and EVERYTHING that came after it is a BETRAYAL of real Star Wars’ but I mostly got caught up with what was happening with the spaceships and glow swords etc, because guys, those films are fun!
Well, mostly. I did get angry about some bits. Some of the characters really made me right proper furious for realz guys. But obviously not the Ewoks. I love the ewoks. I can happily reveal the photo at the top of the article was a red herring, all clickbaity and that.
So here is my actual countdown of The Absolute Worst Characters in the Star Wars Saga. Be warned. Number Seven will figuratively blow your mind, Number Two might surprise you, and Number One could make you reconsider everything you think you know about wars that are set in space.
8 – Whoever is in charge of the fireworks display at the end of Return of the Jedi (from Return of the Jedi)
Look, I know the prequels establish that Coruscant is full of petty bureaucrats but this guy takes the absolute biscuit. Are you really trying to tell me that a civilisation that can travel faster than light hasn’t got anything better than a few rockets? I know you have fireworks that are shaped like Stormtroopers and Yodas. I know. You have swords made out of lasers, guys. You control three quarters of the universe or something. Break out the catherine wheels you penny-pinching, not-worth-the-red-tape, jobsworth.
7 – Yodelling Wookie (from Revenge of the Sith)
I dunno, man, I just think he is a dick.
6 – Mike the Geonosian (from Attack of the Clones)
OK, so I made his name up. I don’t know his name. And yes, there is an argument that everyone in the Petranaki Arena has paid to watch massive monsters maul people and is therefore a at least a bit of an asshole, whatever the local culture deems as being acceptable. But Mike (and again, yes, this probably isn’t his real name) is the worst among them, using the armrest on both sides of his seat, not sharing his lightly grilled arch grubs with his date, and swearing loudly within earshot of children. Jeez. What a douche.
5 – The people walking across the square before the boring bit at the Galactic Senate (from The Phantom Menace)
That square must be like a mile across. At the risk of sounding petty, why are you walking a mile across a square when you have floaty cars and everything? I’ll tell you why, because you’re a prick.
4 – That worm thing in Maz Kanata’s bar (from The Force Awakens)
If you were distracted by the six foot tall droid with a Skeletor helmet and a pair of actual metal boobs, you might not have noticed the big worm creature standing behind her. Well I did, and he annoyed me, big time. Being a big worm, with no obvious limbs, it is probable that he perished when the First Order blew up Maz Kanata’s castle with space lasers an that, so you would think I would fell sorry for him, but I have it on good authority that he had been going to that bar for ten years and had never once tipped his waitress, so seriously, fuck that guy.
3 – Sunbathing skeletons (from A New Hope)
It is one of the most heartrending moments in the whole saga, Luke realising that the stormtroopers are heading for his aunt and uncle’s house and desperately trying to get there first. When he arrives he realises that he is, of course, too late. They have already gone. But insult is added to injury when he realises that two skeletons have already started squatting in his house and not only that they are sunbathing on his front lawn. They even have a barbecue going! And what have they got to say for themselves? Nothing. They just ignore him. What a pair of wankers.
2 – The inventor of the invisible engine (The Last Jedi)
The thing that bugged me most about The Last Jedi were those bombs at the start. Why did they fall out of the spaceships? There is no down in space. A three-quarters-of-an-hour detour to a casino planet that could be avoided by just having Rose capable of code breaking is one thing, but space bombs? That is just stupid. Every night since I saw The Last Jedi I have thought of those bombs. Why? Why did they fall ‘down’? It can’t just be a mistake. There must be a reason. So… I reckon (and it is probably right because I have spent a lot of time thinking about this) that there are engines in those bombs but that the engines are invisible. Think about it. If you are moving from a system where you attack your enemy with lasers shot at high velocity from far away to one where bombs are dropped at low velocity from close by, then your priority is not military advantage but looking cool. And what looks cooler than a mysterious space bomb that not only kills your enemy but makes them spend their last moments questioning everything they know about the laws of physics? Nothing. That’s what. But if they had even had a tiny sticker on the top (which, after all, their target would never see) with a ‘FallDownTech inside’ logo on it, I wouldn’t have spent a year working this out. You wasted my time, invisible engine inventor, with your false modesty, and for that I can never forgive you.
1 – Idiot walking around a swamp in a Darth Vader costume (Empire Strikes Back)
Dude, what do you think is going to happen to you if you wander around the swamps of the Dagobah system dressed as the most evil guy in the universe? Eh? Sooner or later, a Luke Skywalker is going to see you and slice your metal face off.
And the stupid thing is, that under that mask you even look a bit like a Luke Skywalker. If you had met him under normal circumstances, in a space cantina or a Nandos or something, you would have got a cool anecdote out of it. Maybe even a selfie with him. #HeyLookSpaceTwins! Instead, you are dead and he has to live with the guilt of what he has done for the rest of his life. Way to go, dickwad.