OK, so, it’s only six months to Christmas and some of you will by now, I’m sure, be beginning to think about which box of chocolates you are going to take into the office for everyone to share, like some sort of post-hallucination Ebeneezer Scrooge, filling the world with festive joy. But, and it is a hard truth to face, most of the choices available are bad ones. Fear not though, because I am here to help you pick. I’ve ranked some of the most popular ones from most to least awful. If you still mess it up in December, you have no one else but yourself to blame, you wanker.
Were you even considering Milk Tray? Were you? Saw them at £1.99 did you? Well I hope you kept the receipt because 1. They are not individually wrapped, 2. Their nineteen seventies advertising campaign has left them with a sexual undercurrent not suitable for the workplace, and 3. They all basically have the same flavour and that flavour is ‘fucking ghastly’.
No. Sorry. Nobody is fooled by KitKat senses. It’s just smaller, less tasty KitKats in a fancy box. Three for two in B&M Bargains were they? I don’t give a monkeys, mate. They are rubbish.
At the risk of sounding controversial, I’m not a huge fan of Quality Street. I appreciate that they come in a big tub and that they have a sort of ironic kitsch nineteen eighties Christmas tree bauble look to them, but they are mostly unpleasant and at least half of them get stuck in your teeth.
In some ways even worse than Quality Street (specifically, two ways, strawberry creams and orange creams) but a slightly better choice for the office because there is nothing in there that will tear someone’s crown out on Christmas Eve and ruin their roast dinner the next day.
I quite like a Celebration, but you can’t escape the fact that if you buy them you will have to hear at least five work colleagues doing their ‘bit’ about how “nobody likes the Bountys, do they”? Well, Kevin, I do like the Bountys. They are probably my favourites. But I would be a fucking clown to have one when there are other choices still available, wouldn’t I, seeing as everyone else is being such a crybaby about them that I know I will be able to take about fifty of them home with me on the last day before the holiday, and eat them all on the bus, scoffing one after another, barely pausing to breathe between mouthfuls, until the juddering motion of the bus hits me and I puke onto a stranger’s shoes, filling the air with the stench of curdled coconut and the cheap vodka I drink to get me through your tired sub-Michael McIntyre comedy routines, all day, Kevin, day after bastard day, you total fucking gobshite.
Some people object to the presence of eclairs, on what appear to be largely aesthetic grounds, but eclairs are awesome, aren’t they? So shut up.
Those Lindt ball things
They are a bit 2016 now, but most people like them.
You run the risk of looking like you are trying to hard, but anyone who says as much will look like an idiot, so don’t worry about it
Yes. Yes. Legend. You are a legend. Yes. Nice one mate. Nice one. These are the sorts of things your colleagues will say if you bring in a box of Ferrero Rocher, because they are the best box of chocolates available to humanity.
Five quids worth of seconds from that bloke off the market wrapped in a bin bag
But if you really want to win Christmas just buy a load of dodgy chocolate from the market because, let’s face it, quantity will trump quality every single time. Who wants a tiny Wispa when they can have two slightly out-of-date Drifters, a Jam Wagon Wheel and a Viscount wrapped in the wrong colour foil instead. I’ll tell you who. Nobody. If you are desperate to look fancy, you can take the chocolate out of the bin bag and pile it up in a shoe box covered in wrapping paper or something but honestly mate, I wouldn’t bother. It’s Christmas, nobody cares. You could put it in a trough and nobody would be offended. Pass me one of those Turkish Crunchies with the suspiciously long ingredients list, yeah? Nice one.