The planets ranked by how cool the aliens that probably live there are

Mars

Let’s not beat around the bush, Martians are warmongering knobjackets. Invade this, overthrow that, subjugate the other. Blimey, guys, knock it off already.

Ceres

OK, Ceres is technically a dwarf planet, but the idea of a civilisation spread among the asteroid belt is pretty cool, isn’t it? You would think it would be higher on the list but as the largest body in the belt it would end up being the capital, and thus the administrative centre, so it would be mostly full of bureaucrats. Office work is office work is office work. I don’t care how many extra limbs or space horns you have.

Uranus

There are no space aliens living there. Soz.

Pluto, Charon, Eris, Makemake, Haumea, 90377 Sedna, and the other ones that aren’t really planets but are like well far away which makes them a bit intriguing

I reckon most of these are full of hairy things huddling in caves being a bit sad at how cold it is. One or two of them have probably invented fire and do the odd cave drawing of space buffalo and that, but it will be a million years or two until they are very interesting.

Neptune

A bit aloof for my taste, Neptunians, but their architecture is undeniably beautiful.

Earth

It’s a tough planet to rank, Earth, but if you map out Earthlings on a Graph of Cool (using the Piers Morgan to Prince scale) most of us would be somewhere in the middle. One day, when we learn to live as one, and don’t see pretending to get angry about sausage rolls as a viable career choice, we will take our place among the stars. Until then, we will remain not quite as cool as Mercury. Stupid Piers Morgans.

Mercury

I don’t know why, but I always imagine the aliens from Mercury are a bit like badgers.

Saturn

I reckon it’s well fancy, Saturn, with its rings and its gold spaceships and curvy buildings. I reckon it’s a bit like all the best bits of Mexico rolled into one, but in space.

Venus

Ah, sexy Venus, with its sexy green uniforms and its sexy retro laser pistols. Always out-scheming those pesky Martians, putting a stop to their nefarious plans before jetting home in time for some fancy festival or other, with ballgowns and surreal poetry and interesting finger food.

Jupiter

Jupiter really does have it all. Four moons, each with their own sophisticated underground civilisation, and the planet itself, with its giant weird tentacly things, gods that everyone has forgotten to worship, elliptical and unknowable and waiting. It’s a political system that will go tits up in the end, but while it lasts? Blimey.