Fine, I hate all music now. I hope you are happy.

Honestly, I have no idea why I thought this would work. Eurovision, eh? I believed (foolishly, I realise this now) that as the competition has been going for decades and each contest lasts several hours, there must be dozens of good songs among the tripe.

Well… maybe… but…

It turns out that there are three main types of Eurovision song: soppy ballads, hopelessly bland dance-infused pop songs with an obvious the-pyrotechnics-go-off-at-this-bit bit, and ‘wacky’ ones. I hate them all.

In true Eurovision style I only listened to each song once and then made a snap decision about what deserved the points. Despite my relatively low exposure to the songs you suggested, I still have scars that will last a lifetime.

Enough chat. Let’s get this over with and never speak of it again.

Sixteen bonus points this week for the following people who all managed to find somebody who represented a country that nobody else did.

  • Desmond – Bosnia & Herzegovia
  • Mat Pringle – Cyprus
  • Sam Whyte – Ukraine
  • Tom Mason – Spain
  • Bruno Di Gradi – Germany
  • TB – Czech Republic
  • Tom. – Turkey
  • Justin Chisnall – Moldova
  • Dan – Monaco

If you think you should be on that list as well, let me know.

OK. Nil points for the following people

  • Nick Garrard  – We Are the Winners by LT United – Is the title irony or hubris? It doesn’t matter. The song is utter piss.
  • David Bruce – Friendly by Anita Skorgan and Jahn Tiefen – This song wasn’t helped by the truly haunting video that accompanied it. Human clones smile and clap along to the tired, offensively inoffensive, SAGA holiday jukebox pap being sung. Just watching that video probably put me on several government ‘potential cult member’ lists. I will be burning my hard drive this week, just to be on the safe side.
  • Tom. – Rimi Rimi Ley by Gülseren – Picked at random by somebody not prepared to trawl through the mess that is Eurovision looking for a good song. I respect that. However, I did have to listen to this song so… you know… no points.
  • Chris Bissette – Apache by The Shadows – The Shadows were weird, weren’t they? Crappy instrumentals for Zulu-watching grandads. Who aspires to cornering that market? Hornby, Fray Bentos and The Shadows.
  • Fat Roland and Georgia Boon – Hard Rock Hallelujah by Lordi – imo the joke only worked in the context of the live final. Separated from that, the song just sounds like a Green Jelly song. “Arockalypse”? I can’t condone that sort of thing.
  • Lil’ Vanni Byniaeth – Ça plane pour moi by Plastic Bertrand – Fun for slightly less than a minute then increasingly just too much. Brainpuke-inducingly frantic. Terrifying.
  • Marsha Adams – Caro Nome/Sex & Drugs & Rock & Roll by Dollie de Luxe – Confusing.
  • Desmond – Pokušaj by Laka – One of the ones that I couldn’t find on streaming. I  had to watch the performance from the Eurovision finals. She seemed to be wearing a nappy, yes? No offense like, but that’s not my scene, I’m afraid.
  • Tom Mason – Say Yay! by Barei – Nay.
  • Plashing Vole – Sandie Jones – I Don’t Want to Marry Superman – The only version of this I could find was a video on Youtube that somebody had made with bits of Superman animation. That sounds funny, but the whole experience was surprisingly trying.
  • Paul Graham Raven – Why Did It Have To Be Me? by ABBA – A question I asked myself a lot this week. Picking ABBA’s worst song seems pointlessly cruel after all the other stuff I have had to listen to this week.
  • Graham Watt – The Man with the Golden Gun by Lulu – I hadn’t heard this before and genuinely thought it was a parody. I had to look it up on Wikipdeia. And no, “The man with the golden gun / His eye may be on you or me / Who will he bang? / We shall see” is a thing that actually happened. Bond, man. I’ll never understand it.
  • Graham Cox and Dan Williams – All the Things She Said by T.A.T.U. – I remembered it being better. Maybe it is. Maybe I broke my own brain listening to seventy Eurovision songs in a row. What even is music?
  • Bruno Di Gradi – Satellite by Lena – Do you remember that film, Event Horizon? Well, if the other dimensional evil that tortured the crews of those space ships had gone on to have a singing career, and had attempted to record a song that sounded a bit like C’est la Vie by B*Witched, it may well have sounded a little like Satellite. It didn’t, of course. It was more into making people gouge out their own eyes and what have you. But if it had…
  • Tom A – Total Eclipse of the Heart by Bonnie Tyler – A sensible suggestion. It’s an eighties classic. I’ve never liked it though. Soz.
  • Skerret – Love City Groove by Love City Groove – Features a man saying, “We’re really making love now.” Listening to it, I was all like, “Mate, if you have to say it, you probably aren’t.”
  • GLP – Hold Me Now by Johnny Logan – No-one wants to hold you, Johnny.

As I have already said, I tried to replicate the Eurovision atmosphere by only listening to each song once. I can’t remember a single thing about any of the following songs. My brain wiped them from my memory the second they concluded. In some cases even earlier than that. Sorry and everything, but no points for any of them, obvs.

  • Dan Edmonds – Club Montepultiano by Hooverphonic
  • Arron Wright – Self Control by Raf
  • James Battisson – Euphoria by Loreen
  • Graeme – Diggiloo Diggiley by Herrys
  • Mark Rose – My Number One by Helena Paparaziou
  • Donna Morris – Real Things by Javine
  • TB – Do You Wanna by Gipsy.cz
  • Nick – Hatrið mun sigra by Hatari
  • William Mallin – Nov Ho L’eta by Gigliola Cinquetti
  • Justin Chisnall – So Lucky by Zdob si Zdub
  • Al Kennedy – Monument by Keiino
  • David N Atkinson – I Feed You My Love by Margaret Berger
  • Sherri Turner – Miss You Nights by Cliff Richard

The Top 30 ‘Eurovision’ songs

Don’t imagine for a second we have got to the good songs. I hated most of these too.

  • 30 – Neal – Σακης Ρουβας – Και σε θελω (Sakis Rouvas – Kai Se Thelw) – I could only find a really bad recording of a live performance of this song, all crowd noise and shouting. It sounded like it might be terrible, but I’m going to give you (some) benefit of the doubt. Two points.
  • 29 – Julie – One Step Further by Bardo – Awful, but gloriously so. Two points.
  • 28 – Mike – Moscow Discow by Telex – I put this song in my ‘yes’ pot but a day later I can’t remember why. Shall we say three points?
  • 27 – Sam Whyte – Dancing Lasha Tumbai by Verka Serduchka – Rubbish, but a cameo in a Jason Statham film will get you four points.
  • 26 – Mat Pringle – Θάρθη Θάρθη (Tharthi,Tharthi – He Will Come, He Will Come) by Ελπίδα (Elpida) – It feels like a bit of a time piece, this, what with the Sergio Leone meets Herb Alpert inspired backing track, but as ninety percent of Eurovision songs sound like they don’t so much come from a time as from a hell dimension, I’ll cut it some slack and give it five points.
  • 25 – Steven Moss – Throw Down a Line by Cliff Richard – I had some time for this. Not a huge amount of time. Maybe six points worth.
  • 24 – Andy C – Going Down to Liverpool by Katrina and the Waves, Ben Thomas – Walking on Sunshine by Katrina and the Waves – Both of these are much better than their Eurovision entry, Love is a Flag or whatever it was called. Seven Points.
  • 23 – Tom Glennie – Laisse tomber les filles by France Gall, Subfuscous – Teenie Weenie Boppie by France Gall – Among the countless joyless plops I had to listen to this week, these two offered something approaching fun. Small mercies etc. Eight points.
  • 22 – Pimini Pon Paulash – L’amour c’est ça by Noelle Cordier – Jazztastic in several ways. Nine points.
  • 21 – Kim Z Baker – Those Were the Days by Mary Hopkin – Solidly quite good. Ten points.
  • 20 – David Coates – It’s All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion, Em – Just a Little Bit of Love by Celine Dion – Giving Celine Dion eleven points? Yes. No regrets at all, chum. Read Let’s Talk About Love by Carl Wilson and get back to me, yeah?

    POSTSCRIPT… Leighton also nominated a Celine Dion song – A New Day Has Come – and also gets eleven points. Sorry that I missed you at the time.

  • 19 – Mark G – Nel blu, dipinto di blu by Domenico Modugno – Visit his Wikipedia page for the greatest before and after photos of all time. Twelve points.
  • 18 – Sleepy – Aina mun pitää by Pertti Kurikan Nimipäivät – A good choice from somebody who hadn’t even heard of the Eurovision Song Contest before this week imo. It’s not what you’d call a great song but it is what you’d call a very short song, which this week was more important to me than you could ever imagine. Thirteen points.
  • 17 – Cheryl Sonnier and Michael Conley – The Man Who Sold the World by Lulu – Proof that the whole Bond theme thing was everybody else’s fault except Lulu’s. Fourteen points.
  • 16 – David Hartley – On Days Like These by Matt Munro, Adam Farrer – Somewhere by Matt Munro – OK, so I had to nudge Adam toward a possible Tom Waits link this week but give him a break, yeah? This was not an easy task. His 100 bonus points are safe. It’s not as if they are going to help him win the whole thing, is it? Picking Tom Waits every week will only get you so far, despite his indisputable genius. Anyway, these two get fifteen points.
  • 15 – Nick Portnell – Divine by Sebastian Tellier, Sex Police – La ritournelle by Sebastian Tellier – I actually quite liked these. Sixteen points.
  • 14 – Rebecca H – ABBA – The Name of the Game – Quite good, your ABBA, a lot of the time. Nobody chose anything off The Visitors so this got the big (well, seventeen) points.
  • 13 – Dan – Si Mi Caballero by Françoise Hardy – Yep. Pretty good one, this. Eighteen points.
  • 12 – Nobody
  • 11 – Nobody
  • 10 – Nobody
  • 9 – Nobody
  • 8 – Nobody
  • 7 – Nobody
  • 6 – Nobody
  • 5 – Daniel Carpenter and Chris *Wear Your Dang Mask* – Hooked on a Feeling by Blue Swede – Yeah. Proper good one. Thirty-two points.
  • 4 – Jummo70 – Yes Sir, I Can Boogie by Baccara – Still slaps. Thirty-four points.
  • 3 – James Beck – Think About Things by Daði Freyr – The lost winner. The song that was going to sweep the 2020 competition but was prevented victory by a virus that has kicked us all over the last year and a bit. I had £6 on them at 16/1. Gutted, mate. Gutted. Anyway, thirty six points.
  • 2 – Five people picked Sandie Shaw. Richard Jones, Nick Rayney and Ben chose Always Something There To Remind Me, Jeanette Greaves chose Anyone Who Had A Heart, and John Power Jr went with a bit of a hipster’s choice with I’ve Heard About Him. They all get thirty-eight points because in a week with so many wrong answers very few are as right as Sandie Shaw. Congrats all.
  • 1 – Henriette Pleiger – Discoteque by The Roop – I have no idea if this song is any better or worse than anything else I heard this week but I liked it. The verse blatantly rips off Do Somethin’ by Britney Spears but I don’t have a massive issue with that – if you are going to steal something, you may as well steal something good, yeah? I’m writing this on Friday afternoon, and by the time you read it this song may already have come 18th in this year’s contest but who cares, right? It’s our winner, and it gets Henriette forty points.