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15. The Numtums

There are a few Cbeebies shows that seem to have one eye on the children watching and one on the, potentially lucrative, student market. Put in a reference to disco here, a psychedelic scene there, and before you know it you have your retirement sorted, slinging out ironic t-shirts to teenagers. And while you can forgive it in something like Go Jetters (because it is well made enough to get away with it, and it introduces beautiful places and interesting cultures to children in a fun and exciting way) when… Read more 15. The Numtums

16. Biggleton

OK. I have a game for you. I will play the writer and you play the executive. I am going to pitch a tv show to you. You decide whether to commission it or not. “The programme is called Biggleton. We dress up a load of kids in adult’s clothes; business woman, fireman, police officer, you get the sort of thing. Yeah? They walk around for a bit, doing grown-up sort of stuff, for like five minutes or so, then Eamonn Holmes tells them it’s, ‘time to wiggle’, and all… Read more 16. Biggleton

17. Mike the Knight

I have never been able to work out whether Mike the Knight is a satire on, or a celebration of, the life and career of Nigel Farage, and that is largely down to its sloppy writing. The world view portrayed – the past is good, the class system is good, women are mothers or princesses, anybody not white is either a servant or an entertainer, ‘we’ are constantly in danger of being overrun by ‘barbarians’ and ‘outsiders’, only one very special little boy can save us – clearly chimes with… Read more 17. Mike the Knight

18. Postman Pat: Special Delivery Service

Postman Pat, like Scooby Doo, is one of those programmes that people remember fondly despite it never actually being any good. Postman Pat: Special Delivery Service was an attempt to sex up the original format of ‘man delivers some letters’ with helicopters and boats and jet packs and whatever other shit a bunch of middle management dickheads wrote on a whiteboard, some time in 2008, under the heading, ‘Things Children Think Are Cool’. Along with a profusion of new hardware, Pencaster also receives an influx of new characters, each with… Read more 18. Postman Pat: Special Delivery Service

19. Captain Jake and the Neverland Pirates

Jake was always the worst part of Jake and the Neverland Pirates and promoting him to captain for the fourth series was always going to be a disaster. Power corrupted him, and he became the fully fledged jerk he had always promised to become. As the series progresses, your sympathies transfer to Captain Hook. Pirates aren’t good people, and the world’s obsession with them has always baffled me, but the early episodes of Jake and the Neverland Pirates managed to avoid the need to glamorise murder by centering the stories… Read more 19. Captain Jake and the Neverland Pirates

20. Grandpa in My Pocket

Despite having the creepiest title of any television programme ever made (not that pocket, grandson. The other pocket) Grandpa in My Pocket is largely trauma free television. It’s a bit too silly for my taste, but I’m not a four-year-old child, so you know, that’s not really my call to make. The reason Grandpa in My Pocket makes the list is because it ruined New Tricks. Allow me to explain. New Tricks, the popular BBC crime drama in which a trio of ex-policemen and their boss re-investigate cold cases, started… Read more 20. Grandpa in My Pocket

21. Tree Fu Tom

Tree Fu Tom is a programme with noble intentions. Developed in conjunction with the Dyspraxia Foundation, it encourages children to copy Tom’s on screen movements, helping them improve their co-ordination and fitness. Which makes me feel a bit guilty when I say that it blows. But blow it does. The episodes are about three hours too long and there are no engaging characters whatsoever. Tom himself is a blowhard, David Davis-ing his way through the undergrowth with neither the knowledge nor the subtlety to solve his problems effectively, asking those… Read more 21. Tree Fu Tom

22. Andy’s Wild Adventures / Andy’s Dinosaur Adventures / Andy’s Safari Adventures / Andy’s Prehistoric Adventures

Andy has a lot of adventures. Dare I say, too many adventures? I like Andy. I do. But I do not like his adventures, not any more. (For those of you not familiar with his adventures, they are, in a nutshell, footage of Andy acting the goat green-screened onto footage from old David Attenborough documentaries or Walking With Dinosaurs or whatever). Nobody has ever fully explained how his tomfoolery improves on the original. Just show the documentaries. Sure, you might want to edit out the odd scene of lions humping… Read more 22. Andy’s Wild Adventures / Andy’s Dinosaur Adventures / Andy’s Safari Adventures / Andy’s Prehistoric Adventures