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8. My Pet and Me

OK, first off, I have no problem with the presenters of My Pet and Me. Or the programme really. My argument is larger, more fundamental, and it is with Cbeebies almost non-stop pro-pet propaganda. My Pet and Me, Meet the Pups, Meet the Kittens, Pet week, Topsy and Tim’s rabbit, Waffle the Wonder Dog, Pet Week, and on and on. And yes, the Cbeebies website does have a page where they tell you five things to think about before you decide to get a pet, but none of those five… Read more 8. My Pet and Me

9. Octonauts

What is Captain Barnacle’s problem? God that polar bear is a supercilious little jobsworth. “Peso, sound the octo alarm.” Mate, you’re all in the same room. Just get in a submarine and rescue the sea snake or whatever. You’re only sounding the alarm for yourself. Imagine working for that guy. Jeez. Anyway, my main problem with Octonauts is that they give each new creature they meet a regional accent and they decided to give the West Midlands accent to sea slugs. Not whales or sunfish or dolphins or something cool.… Read more 9. Octonauts

10. Fireman Sam

I was a bit old for the original run of Fireman Sam but I could appreciate it was well made. Stop motion, half decent theme tune, little adventures, that sort of thing. Well, they went and did a remake, didn’t they? Computer animation, innit? Utter shit mate. Utter shit. Norman Price, once a thoughtless youth just a carefully worded asbo away from a road to redemption, has now fully adopted the persona of the hotel proprietor he was named after. He wanders the Pontypandy byways, setting fire to cats and… Read more 10. Fireman Sam

11. Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom

For those of you who haven’t seen it, Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom is made by the same people who make Peppa Pig. It tells the story of an elf and a fairy in a magical yadda yadda yadda whatever. Before we start, I have a confession to make. I don’t mind Peppa Pig. It’s alright. I don’t, like, love it, but it has it’s moments. It has decent comic timing. It quietly subverts gender stereotypes. It’s pretty good. There. I said it. Ben and Holly however. Crikey. I understand… Read more 11. Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom

13. Charlie and Lola

One of the unspoken truths of parenting is that at some point in your life you will think one of your child’s friends is an asshat. This is only natural. All children go through phases and some of those phases are more asshatty than others. Your own child will, at some point in their development from baby to adult, be an asshat too. Chances are, you will be largely blind to your own child being an asshat, despite how easily you will spot asshattery in others. It’s just your hormones… Read more 13. Charlie and Lola

14. Are We Ready to Go?

This is one of those, “If you know, you know,” ones. For those of us with children aged two to seven, the line, “I… don’t… think so,” fills us with a dread second only to that experienced before root canal surgery. Are We Ready to Go? is only a song, but Cbeebies play it so often that it may as well be a three hundred part series. The song is about a mum and her child and their discussion about whether or not they are, indeed, ready to go. Are… Read more 14. Are We Ready to Go?

15. The Numtums

There are a few Cbeebies shows that seem to have one eye on the children watching and one on the, potentially lucrative, student market. Put in a reference to disco here, a psychedelic scene there, and before you know it you have your retirement sorted, slinging out ironic t-shirts to teenagers. And while you can forgive it in something like Go Jetters (because it is well made enough to get away with it, and it introduces beautiful places and interesting cultures to children in a fun and exciting way) when… Read more 15. The Numtums