Hello. I’m just here to tell you to keep a diary. It will help you to remember all the cool things you do. That way, should you decide to do a blog post about what you did in, say, oh I don’t know, the autumn of 2014, you will actually have something to write.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier is released Emily starts to walk and talk Russia annexes Crimea Harold Ramis dies I’m enormously sceptical of the idea of ‘first words’. Children make sounds that over time become words and some of us pick one of those sounds and decide it was probably a word. Except for your child of course. They definitely said an actual word. I wouldn’t dream of questioning that. No, no, no. That isn’t to suggest this isn’t a ridiculously exciting time. Emily taking her first steps, then staggering around her great grandmother’s house carrying a set of car…

India launch the Mars Orbiter Mission, becoming the first Asian country to reach another planet China land a robot on the moon I buy the Lexx boxset and then realised it wasn’t anywhere as good as I thought it was when I was a teenager I sell the Lexx boxset Latvia adopts the Euro You never forget your child’s first Christmas. Honestly. There’s no way you forget what happened. I could give you details of Emily’s first Christmas that would blow your mind… I could give you so many details… so many… I’m just not going to because… you know……

President Morsi is deposed in a military coup My sister, her husband, and their daughter visit Manchester for the day Andy Murray wins Wimbledon Peter Capaldi becomes the new Doctor Who To be honest, I’m drawing a blank on this one. According to Amazon, I bought a kettle.

Rebel forces capture the capital of the Central African Republic Jo goes back to work and I become a stay-at-home parent Chinua Achebe dies I start entering competitions during nap time. I win a few things Wigan win the FA Cup On the first day I was alone with Emily she managed to take one of the fake coals from the fireplace and eat most of it. Neighbours, now friends, helped me fish bits of black out of her mouth, ring NHS Direct, and google the toxicity of artificial coal. She was fine, not bothered, unchanged. They make the coals…

Barack Obama wins a second term I get an MA in Creative Writing The Mayans are wrong about the world ending American scientists print an ear, in 3D, using actual ear materials like collagen and that I become a parent. The first weather I showed to my daughter through the window of the hospital was snow but it had changed to rain by the time we ran out of babygrows and I had to walk to ASDA to buy more. I got so wet I had to buy myself a complete change of clothes as well. I’m not sure why…

So, that’s it, you’re caught up. That’s everything that happened to me in the last six years. Well, ok, it was some of the stuff that happened to me in the last six years. I’m no Samuel Pepys. I think we’ve safely established that. Anyway, another month, another topic. I thought I would spend October counting down the twenty three children’s television programme’s that have brought me the most pain and suffering over the last few years. Exorcise some mental demons and all that. Air a few grievances. Get some things off my chest. Vent. Why not join me? Share…

You might not have heard, but earlier this week, ITV’s This Morning hosted a debate about whether or not the moon was solid. One person, a cosmologist, thought the moon was solid. Another person, a bloke, reckoned the moon wasn’t solid. It’s just opinions. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. Cosmologist or bloke? The truth probably exists somewhere in the middle. Is society dumbing down? Maybe. But perhaps the really stupid people are not the ones who think the moon is translucent but the ones who aren’t spotting the money making opportunities that widespread gullibility presents. You know the old…

OK, so I’m beginning to suspect I’m not going to have a midlife crisis. No sports cars for me. I’m quite pleased about it. And yet… Is it not slightly irresponsible to move into middle age without some grand futile gesture of resistance to the idea of mortality? I should do something. After all, the urge to recapture something lost is not completely alien to me. I get it. I’m old now. I was never going to buy that sports car I always wanted because I have never wanted a sports car. I’m not going to take up a dangerous…

Look, there is no right or wrong way to name your novel. Don’t worry about it. Chances are somebody will make you change it anyway. But if you can come up with something fancy, go you! Everyone likes a fancy title. When a reader spots a particularly sexy title on a bookshelf it can be like eyes meeting across a crowded ballroom. Hello, they think, I like the look of you. Of course, relationships built on a foundation of nothing more than mutual physical attraction are almost always doomed from the start, but you don’t need to worry about that.…